Diary

Nimerudi

Nimerudi*

(*I am back) 

I will not start apologizing that time has been flying and I haven’t been writing. 

This concept of time is too overwhelming. 

But I will wrap up some of the past time happenings. 

I spent my 10th and 11th months in Germany. 

I traveled back, first because my beloved grandma passed away. 

Second at that stage in my life, I did not see any possibility to continue my stay in Dar es Salaam. 

To be honest, only financially. In any other case I would claim, that I would always be able to live in Dar.

So I went back to Germany. 

Lets say this post is dedicated to being back in different spaces. 

I will spoil it from beginning for you, as I am actually writing this one from a beach side restaurant in Dar while the Sun is setting. 

Fast forward I had the plan to stay in Germany for a bit longer. Not only to spend quality time with my family and friends. But also to work a little bit and get back on my financial feet. I wanted to earn enough money to come back to Tanzania confidently and give it the next try. 

The first weeks where very emotional. My grandma passing away awakens a lot of past history. Emotional packages unpacked, forgotten memories reimagined, and wounds which have been thought of healed, still showed there marks. 

This women has been grandma, teacher, healer, chef, therapist, bad ass feminist in her era and always my personal advocate in all things. The gratitude I have towards this wonderful soul and her stories are more than just a blog post. I give praise and I am looking forward to share more stories with her, now just from a different space. 

Taking my emotional package from my families house, which means living with my mum, I packed my stuff and came back to Frankfurt, where my Sistahs in soul would give me a home, space and feed me for the next weeks, until I was able to actually move back into my beloved apartment, and probably most sacred space ever. 

When exactly I made the decision, not to stay in Germany, I can’t tell you. But most probably three days into the country.

To be honest, it goes against all odds of responsibilities. You are broke, you don’t have a steady income job and a plan which is standing on one foot, trying hard to keep its balance. But than there is this, what they call „feeling“. 

Weird thing, 

feeling:

1.) an emotional state or reaction

2.) an idea or belief, especially a vague or irrational one. 

I’ll just leave this definitions here out of 45 I found on the internet. 

So instead of telling you about my, at the end just one month in my sacred space with my beloved tribe, I’ll rather tell you how it feels like to be back-back. 

But make sure to stay updated, cause something nice is coming, which was produced back in Frankfurt. 

So my month 12, I am back in Tanzania. Thanks to my family, friends, tribe, ancestors, goddess and energies who supported me and only made this possible. I can’t tell you how this emotional state came over me, when I actually touched down in Dar es Salaam. 

My emotional reaction was shown in tears. And that idea or belief I had so manifested inside me was no longer vague or irrational. It was just real and glowing and full of joy, wanting to race into the direction the universe has planed for me, wanting to start to bloom and grow immediately. 

But that would have been just a bit to fast.

So I also want to share with you the experience of what happens if your one foot plan stumbles and falls. Cause that was my biggest fear. For the ones who know me. They can assure, that I am not a player, never gambled and never bet on things I can’t see 100 percent. Never said I was fully organized either. Risk was just never one of my top five features.

You might remember that I tried applying for my work and residency visa on a privat basis. Unfortunately I had to travel than and things got mixed up in this bureaucratic jungle of „we don’t care if you want to work here“. 

So I had applied for an other opportunity which was super assured to me verbally. Knowing it might not turn out to be the thing I really really wanted I agreed, cause hey, I have this feeling. 

Happily packed my bags and thanked all energies and ancestors to have given me this opportunity. 

I’m jumping over the next part, cause as you might have guessed already plans don’t work out as they seem all the time. 

But in this case I can say, the universe had a different plan, and it just needed me to come back as quick as possible. I am still grateful for this experience, cause I got to learn so much more about trust, friendship and expectations.  

I’m finally coming to my actual preaching part. 

Yes plans fail, things go wrong, people hurt you and or you may even loose a bunch of money. 

It hurts sure, but you get yourself back on track again after a while. Make a new plan, learn to get up slowly, on your knees first, than one leg and than the other leg. Voilà, the french would say. Or in Swahili: Acha kulia, shida za dunia, ebu tulia mungu anakujaribia. Stop crying over secular problems, the goddess are testing you. 

You might have heard this a thousand times and it pops up in all memes and gifs and quotes, or your parents have been preaching it to you. And yes it really doesn’t seem like that from the other side. Me too, I had to learn it the hard way and even worse I still have to remind myself constantly that I will grow through this. Unfortunately you never stop learning, and eventually you see the beauty in growing and blooming. 

So once more. 

Nimerudi. 

I am back. 

To eat chapatis, mangos, passion fruit and avocado. 

See the sun rise and sun set every day if I want to. Cause yes I can.

Dip my feet into the indian ocean, hide in banana trees or go to the mountains. 

I am back and ready to grow, learn, heal, cry, laugh and love some more and more. 

And learn about myself every single day, cause that is what the universe wants us to do. 

And hopefully I will be able to move back and forward in my chosen spaces, whenever I want to. 

To that and much more I give thanks. 

Its July and this marks one year since I moved back home. 

Welcome to month 1 of my second chapter. 

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